Thursday, December 28, 2006 , 5:58 AM
I'm supposed to post a Christmas entry but I guess that can wait for the moment..
I'll do up a post for tonite or rather morning and i'll head for the sack. Tomorrow will be a brand new day and a brand new start for me. I know its not 2007 yet. but I guess I really need to change..
I've just realised how lousy a person I am all these while. I have been really immatured in my thinking, wanting things my way and I've always been really stubborn. Its really hard for a person to change and to become perfect is impossible. I guess in the past I have always set a standard for my partner and I've always wanted my him to do things I want and I like. I've realised how selfish I have been all these while. Never expect anything from anyone because you're most likely to be disappointed. I've always thout I can always have things my way but today I realised all these all just illusions. I have been making myself so miserable for the past weeks and months. Acting crappy and happy but feeling really joyful is the last thing on my mind. There are realli too many things for me to handle, to settle and to think about. I thought there would bound to be someone out there who would understand me but I noe its just a pack of lies. No one would ever understand what I'm going through. People around me have been repeating again and again that they have their own sets of problems and they have alot to think about but I guess each and everyone of us would always think that our problem is the biggest of them all. But we are so wrong.
I've wanted to be so much better than anyone else. I want to be the best daughter/sister/friend/girlfriend but I know it will never happen. I've been told thousand and one time that I always think about negative stuffs .. I wish I can control my thoughts, who doesn't want to be a happy bunny? I wish I could be a carefree person and laugh my day through. I wish I would not be affected my any issues. But I know it will never happen to me. I would never become someone I want to be.
But I know its time for me to learn the hard way.. It's time for me to learn to be a better person for everyone, it's time for me to learn to be independent, it's time for to do things that I should do.
I've regretted alot of my actions but I guess nothing would be the same again. Who understands and who cares anyway? I really want to try hard to be a better person. I really hope I'll be able to do it.
It hurts so much yet I can't do anything, who can I turn to, who will be there for me. Will it be you?
Give me the strength to be a better person.
Enuf said.. after my sleep, I really hope things will be a lil different. Maybe I'm just deciving myself again..
May tomorrow or rather later be a better day for me please..
to that someone : I'm really sorry for my actions, my words and everything. I know I have been a great disappointment for you. I know nothing would be the same anymore. All I want to say is I'm really SORRY